2.5 years later...

   In the past few months I've had some of my close friends happen upon my blog. My first thought was "Well, this is embarrassing." Then, to my surprise, I was told that I should start blogging again. That got me thinking "Why has it been two and a half years since the last time I blogged?" After a lot of thought I've come to a conclusion. It would be really easy for me to say that the last time I blogged frequently I was going through a hard time, and I've been doing fine since then. The first part of that is true, but there's been some big transitions like graduating college, finding a job, first year of teaching, second year of teaching (just to name a few). But in all of those things I haven't felt like I needed to voice them here.

   Here's my conclusion: I've been playing the comparison game like a pro. Blogs have become something every twenty-something Christian hipster girl is doing. They all have such wise things to say, beautiful pictures to go with it, and an audience that shares their posts as if they are a new addition to the Bible. Make no mistake, I'm not tearing down those blogs or the effect they have on the readers. I have my favorite blogs that I always read, and look to when I need to hear some general wisdom.

   Throughout the past couple of years, I've been looking at these blogs and thinking "These girls have something to say and know how to say it. There's nothing for me to add here." Any time I've thought about blogging, I've told myself that it's already being said, and by someone whose blog is nicer and more eloquent. Comparing myself to others is nothing new to me. I've been doing this since elementary school. I compared myself to what the other girls in my class were wearing or doing. In middle school this looked like making sure my hair was a straight as other girls and trying to make friends with the "right people". Even in church I looked to compare myself spiritually to where others were. Depending on who I was around, I either felt inferior or superior. I'm sure as you are reading this, it sounds familiar. Even if it doesn't look like my particular examples, I've found that we all look to others to rate ourselves on how well we are doing in life.

   The good news: despite all my failures and shortcomings, I have acceptance from Christ. God knew I would fail to measure up. In fact, he is fully aware of every failure, and every future failure. Even in this knowing, He chose me and delights in me. Ephesians 2:12-13 says "remember that you were at that time separated from Christ alienated from the commonwealth of Israel and strangers to the covenants of promise, having no hope and without God in the world. But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ." If my Creator, who knows all of my flaws, loves and accepts me deeper than any human ever can, then I have the freedom to no longer compare. God has created me intentionally and everything He gives me is what is good for me.

  Even as I typed this novel of a blog post, I questioned God's truth, and needed to look up what God's word actually says about me.

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, no angels nor rulers, nor things present no things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:38-39

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses made us alive together with Christ-- by grace you have been saved"- Ephesians 2:4-5

Lord, I believe, Help my unbelief.

Reflection

A beautiful friend of mine likes to do "reflections" where she goes back into her notes and reflects on what God has been teaching her. So this is mine. Near the beginning of last semester I went through a break up and I've written about it a little here, but in that time I began a new prayer journal/notebook/diary whatever you want to call it. Through the many pages, there are themes. In the first few pages, I'm simply hurt. I remember feeling like someone had stabbed me and wouldn't take the knife out. I was constantly asking God "Why? Why was this necessary? What do you have planned through this? Can you really satisfy me?" If you know me at all you know that music means a lot to me. In this time, I clinged on to a song called "Sovereign Over Us" by Aaron Keyes. Some of the lyrics I have written down include

" Your plans are still to prosper. You have not forgotten us. Faithful forever, perfect in love, You are sovereign over us"

" even in the valley You are faithful, You turn it for our good"

And in this time, these words were not so much praise, but me reminding myself the truth of the Word. That there is hope that God is sovereign. There was hope that He is faithful. For a good while I spoke to the Lord about how worthless I felt and how I felt like no one was supporting me. I even felt like God wasn't supporting me, because I knew that He had grace for Daniel and even when I couldn't even begin to imagine what it would be like to forgive him, God already had. I struggled for awhile realizing that even though I felt like a victim, it wasn't about me. It was about God being glorified, no matter how much my pride was hurt. I just wanted God to be the only thing I needed, you know? I knew that to be true in my head, but in my heart what I needed was for people to want me. I needed people to find me worthy of their attention and love. My heart was looking for something more because I felt like there was no way God could fully and truly satisfy me. For most of what  is written in that journal, I'm asking God to change my heart. It thought this would be immediate. I thought that if I just said "hey. I forgive you." that everything would be fine and dandy and all would be well. It wasn't. But that's okay. Because somewhere between "I feel like I'm going to be sick if I ever see him again" and now, God has changed my heart. It was a slow process and I can't tell you exactly when it happened, but I found it to be more true than ever that His love was all I could ever need. I've become excited about my future with Christ and what that will look like. I no longer view my future as being a wife, but as being the Bride of Christ living on mission wherever He leads me. I would love to say that I no longer desire a relationship or marriage, but I can't. There are so many moments when I see how sweet marriage is and how encouraging it can be, and how much I want someone to have an even bigger passion for missions so he can push me in the areas that make me uncomfortable in efforts to push me toward Christ. But even as I write that, I realize that I can find that in this great little gift God's given us called community. Although I don't think that will stifle my desire to one day have a marriage with a Godly man who loves God's people and who loves me, I do think it reminds me that my true satisfaction is found in Jesus and that anything else is just a blessing I can enjoy. It sounds really lame to just say "yeah, God completely satisfies me and I don't want anything else more than Him." and if I said that I would absolutely be lying. I'm not there yet. But I'm closer now than I was 6 months ago. I look to the future excited for what is to come because I know my Father is right there with me guiding me every step of the way, and He'll never let me go.

So it's taken me a long time to get to this point. I'm still not perfect, but hey who is? His plan is the most wonderful plan. He has grown me closer to Him month by month, conversation by conversation, confession by confession, and I have the rest of my life to continue growing and looking back to see how far I've come. Only by God's great love and grace could I ever be able to look back and see that I have in fact moved closer to Him and not further away. He truly is sovereign. I can say that now as worship and praise because I know it to be true through experience. It's no longer something I want to be real in my life. It's there. It's real. He's there. He's real. Seriously, though, how great is that? ahhhhh. marvelous.

Take a second and think about where God has brought you from. Regardless of whether it's been 10 steps in the past 6 monthes or .25 of a step, God's timing and plan is perfect, and I promise you when His plan is revealed, you'll know it never could have gone any other way. 

Following Christ's lead

Ok so I know I never blog here, and I'm pretty sure that all my blogs start out that way and I'm sorry blah blah blah anyway let's get to it.

So tonight my beautiful friend Maggie and I were on the Horseshoe eno-ing (that's a word, right?) and chatting it up and all of a sudden this guy comes over and asks for our permission to snapchat his friend us hanging out in our enos. Apparently he had been living in a hole because he said something to the effect of "This is so weird, I've never seen anyone do this." So I thought he was going to snapchat his friend and then be on his merry little way, but NO. He stays and talks to us for like an hour and a half. It was so cool though because the conversation flowed like we had always known him and like he had always known us. The conversation at one point went to a similarity between a ritual they do on certain Indian reservations and Christ's death on the Cross. The whole conversation my thought process was "This is so weird. He shouldn't be talking to us. Why is he still here? Does he love Jesus? I don't think he does. I should tell him about Jesus." In that part of the conversation it would have been the perfect time to talk about Jesus and our faith and whatever, but did I do it? NO. And now, I'm sitting here with no way to ever get in touch with him again, feeling like I missed an opportunity, which I totally did. I felt God tugging at my heart to share the Gospel with him, and I didn't. I know that my sinful self cannot and will not change what God has planned, so if Austin (the guy we met) is supposed to have a relationship with Jesus, someone else will come along who is much more faithful than me and point him to Christ. So that leaves me with why I was met with this opportunity to share Christ and failed to do so. Honestly here is what I think, and please tell me if this is unbiblical:

Obviously, mine and Maggie's conversation with Austin was no mistake or accident. God doesn't play those games. Whether or not I shared Christ with him is irrelevant, because God was going to use this situation to teach me something either way. If I had talked to him about Jesus and grace he could have accepted it and began a relationship with Christ which would have been awesome. He also could have said no or gone off and thought about it more, yada yada, many things could have resulted from that conversation. But that conversation did not occur, and in this I'm being taught something. I have this guilt of not following God's lead and realizing that I missed an opportunity to be missional where I am which is something I've been working on and God's been convicting me about. From now on in coversations though, I'll remember this feeling and how being faithful would have resulted in much better things. Although I should have gave him the Good News of the Gospel, God still used that strange conversation to teach me what it looks like to take strange things like that and use them for the glory of God. I feel like in the future I'll be more aware of these things and follow God's lead. But even when I fail and don't, there is grace for me, and God loves me the same in my failure as He does in my successes. Because even though I was unfaithful tonight, He will never be unfaithful, and His plan never fails.

That was mostly be trying to figure out my feelings about tonight and see what God was trying to teach me through it. If it taught you something, awesome. If it didn't teach you anything, that's cool too. I hope it was a good story. Jesus loves you all. I love you all. And maybe one day we'll have that conversation about who Jesus is and how good His always is. Peace out home skillets.  

GRACE

This semester, God has taught me more about Himself than ever before. All of the things He taught me were things I already knew to be true about Him, but it finally clicked why they were such amazing things. One thing He made clear was His never-ending, never-changing, forever-faithful love. As I mentioned in a different blog, I went through a break up this semester. I wish it hadn't affected me the way that it did, but it made me feel very negatively about myself and love in general. It reminded me that people will fail you, and that the things of this earth don't last forever. I realized that unfortunately I had placed some of my identity in this relationship and my hope in his affection for me instead of the love that Christ gives. After everything happened, it became clear to me what it meant for God's love to be unfailing. He will never disappoint me or decide I'm not worth it. His love is not dependent on what I do or do not do, what I look like, or how well I perform whether that is in earthly accomplishments or those of eternal value. He loves me enough that He sent Jesus to die for me so that I might spend eternity with Him. Even if I do find a man to spend my life with on Earth, his love will never be able to compare to Christ's love.

Another huge thing I learned was how amazing God's grace and forgiveness is. As I went through cycles of being "alright" and cycles where I was bitter toward love and figured that I would spend the rest of my life alone with all my cats, I also went through the process of trying to forgive this boy who broke my heart and trust and made me believe things about myself that are not true. Everywhere I looked I was being told to forgive and to give the grace that Christ gives us, and I think I'm finally there, but this is after several months of arguing with myself and trying to make my heart match with what I knew God wanted me to do. As a sinful person, it was so hard for me to give grace and act toward him with love as my brother in Christ. Then I realized, that for God it doesn't take several months. I doesn't even take several hours. Christ's grace showers us immediately and God doesn't love us differently after that, and His feelings towards us are no different. While I was over in my room praying that God would make my flesh forgive him, He already granted me grace and Daniel grace; no questions asked. I think God reminds us of how broken we are to remind us how perfect He is. I can never measure up to how amazing God is, but I can start to show others just a glimpse by giving them the same love and grace that Christ gives me. I'm daily reminded of how amazing God's love is, and how thankful I am that He chose to love a sinner like me.

If any of this confused you, or you have questions, feel free to contact me and we can talk more about it. But the gist is God's love is amazing. The end. 

I never realized how much Christian culture was focused on finding "the one" until I became single. All of these books are about how you can find the right guy and how God has you in this place to prepare you for the man you're supposed to be with. It's all so familiar to me, and freshman year I drank it all up. For some reason, it doesn't make sense right now though. My entire life is not to point me to some guy I'll spend it with. Not everything that happens in my life is related to my relationship status. This may seems super clear to y'all, but up until recently I thought of everything in terms of "who will I be with?" or "who will I serve with?". But in reality I lost sight of who God really is. I don't need to find "the one". JESUS is "the One". If my focus is all on what man I'll spend the rest of my life with, then I'm forgetting that I'm already spending my life with Christ. He is beside me every day, He never fails me, He loves me unconditionally, and He'll never leave me. I need to stop wondering who I'll be with and start focusing on who I'm already with. I need to stop being so concerned about who I'll serve with, and start focusing on who I'm serving! The thought that God has made me single in order to point me toward the guy I'm going to marry or even to prepare me in this time for him is so foolish and selfish. I need to draw closer to Christ and make Him what completes me. I will never be satisfied or fulfilled if I rely on someone other than the Lord. And y'all, this is so refreshing to know! I don't need to be worried about what my relationship status will look like. I can just love on my brothers in Christ as just my brothers in Christ. I can grow in my relationship with the Lord and not be so concerned about what He's going to give me in return for my faithfulness. This is... good. 

Psalm 37:4 says "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."

I always thought this verse was kind of "prosperity gospel." For those not familiar with the underground vocabulary of a Tumblr Christian, "prosperity gospel" is when preachers or churches take verses from the Bible and twist them to say "If you love Jesus, good things with happen. If you love Jesus, your life will be easy. If you love Jesus, you will get money. If you love Jesus, your business will succeed, etc." That's not the way Christian life is though. We are not guaranteed an easy life. In fact, we are told in the New Testament that the world will hate us because they hated Jesus. So back to that verse up there. I always read it as something to make people feel good, like "delight in the Lord, and He'll give you all the material and worldly things you want." But here's what's different about this verse. When we delight in the Lord, get our joy from Him, then His desires for us, become the desires of our hearts. We desire love and acceptance, justice, peace, joy, etc. When our delight is in Him, and not in the world, those desires overcome the desires of the world. So when we delight in the Lord, He gives us all of those things, and then some. Galatians 5:22-23 says "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law." Because these are fruits of the Spirit, when we have the Spirit in charge of our life, this is what will come from us. These will be the things our hearts desire.

So awesome, guys! 

God is so cool, y'all

As an intern, I've had to prepare a lot of devotions and talks that will be done later in the summer. In preparing my talk for last night's youth service, I was basically talking to myself. Everything I said to those students completely applied to my life. As I prepared and read and outlined, God was teaching me without me even realizing it. This happened again as I was preparing devotions for beach camp. Everything I said completely applies to me. When I read back over them, it's like someone else had written them for me to read. I can't even. It's so awesome. And it's just going to keep going. I have three more talks to do and a devotion for a mission trip meeting. God's doing great things, guys. 

I seriously never blog anymore. For awhile, I would have sporatic thoughts that didn't require an entire blog post, so I would post those on Tumblr. I have since logged out of Tumblr with little intention of returning. It's not a terrible place, but I wasn't growing in my relationship with Christ in any way being there. So here we are. Back together at last.

I'm doing an internship this summer at my church with the youth group, so basically I help everything happen. I get to go to both beach camps and the mission trip in July. In between, I get to do whatever comes up. I'm not gonna lie, I'm extremely nervous about this. I only attended this church for two years before heading off to college, so I really don't know that many people. I don't know my boss (the youth pastor) very well, because like I said, I wasn't there for very long. I think I'm afraid that the students won't like me. I'm not familiar to them, so I'm worried that they won't respect my "authority" and won't want to hang out with me or talk to me. That seems to silly putting in that context. I, a rising junior in college, am afraid of sixth graders not liking me. Seriously, though, it's been a real worry for me.

But there is good news! My identity is not determined by who likes me! I am not who I am because middle school and high school students approve of me. My identity is found in my salvation through Christ's death on the cross! I am a daughter of God and He loves me. Nothing else matters. It doesn't matter if it turns out that the students don't want to hang out with me, God does, and He is the only One who truly matters. This may sound cheesy, or obvious, or whatever, but as a girl with many insecurities, this is so encouraging. I wish I had known this growing up as much as I do now. I don't need to be accepted by man, and the Bible even tells me that I won't! The world hated Him, and it will hate me. But I am so encouraged by who I am surrounded by thsi summer. I have only heard my youth pastor speak His heart on a few occasions, and tonight I heard his heart for those middle schoolers preparing to go to beach camp. He loves Jesus and is jealous for them to know Him as he does. I cannot wait to work with him and continue to see his heart for the Lord and His ministry!

Seriously, y'all, this summer is going to blow all of my expectations into the trash. God's got better plans.

Also...

"If ever I forget my true identity,
  show me who I am, and help me to believe.
You have bought me back with the riches of
Your amazing grace and relentless love.
I'm made alive forever, with you life forever,
By your grace I'm saved!"
   -Citizens "Made Alive"

Why is Today Awesome?

 If you've ever watched Five Awesome Girls on Youtube, then that question is a familiar one. "Why is today awesome?" probably doesn't cross our minds too often, especially days surrounded in stress. We tend to think about what's wrong with our day and what we can complain about. Or.... maybe that's just me. But recently I've tried to have that attitude. I have a mirror on my door, and in Expo marker it asks me that question as I leave my room every day. Some days, I have a lot to write on there. For example, one day I got a ton of good grades back, so I wrote that on there. Some days it's just one thing as simple as "I woke up to my alarm and didn't sleep in". That's still something that was awesome about the day. I've found that thinking about these awesome parts of my day makes me have a more gracious and thankful attitude. It's pretty neat. You should try it out.

 On a different, but not entirely unrelated note, I also have a tally chart on my mirror. I'm tallying all the days when I don't have soda. Do you know how much weight you can lose when you don't drink soda? It's crazy. I'm really trying to be more healthy. I weighed myself over the Thanksgiving holiday, and I was WAY more than I want to be. It's so easy to lose control of your weight, and if I continue to live the way I do, I will be in much worse shape. Hopefully this isn't just a phase of wanting to be healthy, but it actually stays and I lose some weight. We'll see. Pray for me, okay? 

The cold... It's coming!!!

I've discovered recently how much I absolutely love the cold weather. At least in South Carolina anyway...

In the summer, I always feel so gross. No matter what I wear, I'm always sweaty and a hot mess. I never look cute in the summer because it'll just look a mess later. I usually just put on a tshirt and some norts and call it a day. Now, there is nothing wrong with this! I love my norts and tshirts. It's the best! But...

In the cold weather I can wear cardigans! I can wear awesome scarves and flannel, and fuzzy socks! I can wear fleece pajamas, and my peacoat! I can wear awesome boots and sperrys. I swear, the only cute clothes I have are cold weather clothes. It's exciting when I can finally wear them!!!

Another thing I love about it getting cold is the fact that I have more of an excuse to wear yoga pants and drink hot coffee and chocolate at all hours of the day.

Also, cold weather means it's getting close to December! December means cookies with reindeer on them and marvelous Christmas music.

Can you tell how excited I am that it's getting cold??

Don't get warmer, Columbia!!! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease!

Not Ashamed

I am not ashamed of the Gospel.

If this statement is true, why I don't I talk about it more? Why am I so afraid to tell people that I believe that Jesus Christ died in my place to cover all of my inperfections? Why am I afraid to tell people what God's done in my life, in efforts to "not offend them". They have no problem "offending" me. When they believe in something, they let it known. It's extremely ironic that today is National Coming Out Day. These people are not ashamed to proclaim that they are proud of their sin. They delight in telling others what they believe is right. Why do I not have this same spirit? I think it's because I want to be liked. I want everyone to like me, so I just don't say anything that might offend them. That is crazy. I should be putting my life on the line for the One who died for me! I didn't deserve that love, and I still don't! What I do need to do, though, is show people that I am thankful and want to live my life for Him. The Gospel is for everyone, not just me and my friends. It's not just for people who are "open". It's not just for people who are easy to talk to. It is for EVERYONE! The Gospel is for the people who think they're too intelligent for it. The Gospel is for those who think they can handle life on their own. The Gospel is for those who believe in other gods. The Gospel is for those who are so against it, they'll kill people who preach it.

Now that I've been reminded of that, I need to act on it. I can't just sit around and wait for people to be "ready" and "open". They need to hear what God has done for them. It's amazing!! I can't be selfish and keep it to myself. 

Thinking about Christ's love for us never ceases to amaze me. He knows all our crap. We can't hide any of it from Him. YET, He loves us ANYWAY! This is insane, you know?! He knows my sinful heart. One of my favorite lines from a song is "You know the depths of my heart, and You love me the same." He loves us THE SAME! He doesn't  love us less or more because of where our heart is. He knows our sinful desires, knows what we do when no one else is around, knows our motives, knows our wicked wicked sin. But he continues to love us, and to pursue us. Does anyone else find that absolutely amazing?! It's so wonderful. 

One of the best parts about this, is that marriage is supposed to reflect this amazing love God has for His Church (aka us). Everything is out in the open: all of the faults, mistakes, and sin. Even through all of it, though, your spouse still loves you and continues to pursue you and the relationship between you. Gosh, that's amazing. This image of marriage is supposed to point others to Christ! Unfortunately, that's not how most marriages are these days. We aren't pointing to God's love for us. That's why God's unconditional love for us surprises us a lot of times. We aren't used to someone loving us despite all of our crazy and messed up lives. I love to see marriages that display that, though. It gives me hope that my marriage will be one that reflects Christ's love for me. Obviously, that's not really happening soon. But when it happens, it's gonna be awesome. 

The other blog for the other story

**disclaimer: I'm not trying to be all omgihaveaboyfriend. I blog about what's on my mind and my heart, and this is where I am right now. so chill out. you don't have to read it if you don't want to. so there.**

In my last blog I said I would save a story for another blog, and I suppose this is that blog. A couple months ago I wrote a blog about going to Chicago, and I compared it to liking someone and wanting to be with them, and then finding out that they like you and want to be with you just as much. Then I said I'd never experienced this completely.

So....

In previous relationships of mine, it's been the whole "omg I think he likes me, I should totes like him and we can be like together forever." (sorority girl voice, Daniel).  Either that, or I really liked him and tried to get friends/myself to convince him that I was worth dating. Guess what happened in all of those relationships? They.ended. *GASP!* What? All of my relationships thus far have ended? Caroline's a fail when it comes to dating? YES. This is all true. I know, it's so surprising, because if you know me you know how smooth I am (btw, it's like... negative smoothness. It's like the bumpiest dirt road you've ever driven on WHILE you have flat tires. yeah. it's that bad.) Well, that was a tangent I didn't expect to go on. ANYWAY!

This relationship is totes different. I've like Daniel for a long time. Like... you don't even know how long. And it's one of those situations where he was just too perfect, you know? Like, in the past, I was all "I can settle for this. He's pretty nice. I can learn to like him. I mean, he likes me. How bad could it be?" BUT there were always those guys (and I'm sure guys can relate to this too about girls) where I was just like, "he is way too good for me. I mean, look at him. He's cute, he's funny, he has tons of friends, he's really nice, and not embarrassing at all. Why would he like me? He deserves someone better. More on his level. I'm too much of a dork. We could only be friends."

You can ask my mom this, or any of my middle school friends, and they'll tell you the same thing. I think soccer players with hair in the JBiebs phase are the coolest. It might have to do with the fact that in middle school, those were the popular boys. They all played soccer and had their hair like that. And they were obviously out of my league. So here's Daniel. He played soccer in high school, he's got the hair thing going on, he's super funny and awesome, and everyone wants to be his friend. So if you've read any of this blog, you can probably understand why I wouldn't think he'd like me. Because honestly, what would a boy like that want with a girl like me. I'm not super skinny, I'm not blonde and popular, and I'm a super dork. So, I'm still in amazement. I don't know when or if this will wear off. I don't feel like I deserve him. If you talk to my bffl Caroline, she'll tell you how all summer I was like "Why would he like me, Caroline? He's too good for me. It won't happen." But you know what... it did. So I'm really happy about it. 

Decisions

So I'm a generally indecisive person. I don't know what caused this or when it became so apparent to me, but I've really been working on it recently. I didn't realize until yesterday how much that affects my life. The good part, though, is that it's both positive and negative! So we shall discuss... NOW!

I don't make decisions. That's just the fact of the matter. When someone asks me what I want to eat or where I want to go, I rarely make that decision.  It stresses me out to the max. I'm really not sure why, because it's not that big of a decision. In those cases, it doesn't matter too much that I can't say this or that, because it's not life changing or anything. It does become a problem, though, when it keeps you from making extremely important decisions. If you weren't already aware, I have a boyfriend now. His name is Daniel. He is amazing. You should meet him someday. And when we came to the point where we had to determine if our relationship was going to go down the friendship path or the dating path, obviously my initial reaction was for it to go down the dating path. That's what I've been wanting for months now. So knowing that, it should have only taken two seconds, right? Wrong. There were so many things we had to discuss. I know that makes it seem more of a logic thing than a "I really like you" thing, but they were very important things, I promise. I don't take dating lightly, which you should know if you've read my blogs. Dating someone, especially in college, is a HUGE decision to make. So all of these things clouded my mind and made me feel like because we had to talk about it for so long, maybe we should just wait. There was a completely other side of my brain though, that was all "Caroline. You've been praying about this forever. Yall just talked for an hour about this. Just. Say. Yes." Obviously I did say yes, but for a few hours it still didn't feel real. I still had those thoughts that I made the wrong decision and it would have been better the other way. (BTW those thoughts went away. They're just part of my terrible decision making skills. Which is why I don't make decisions. It's not fun)

So onto the good part about this. Because I had so many... not concerns, but more like things that needed to be addressed, I feel like we're going into this relationship more prepared/ready than I've ever gone into a relationship feeling. To my knowledge, there's nothing we didn't cover. If I had just said yes right off the bat, we wouldn't have talked about all of that. We wouldn't know how the other felt about something, or how the other one expects the relationship to go. I think that's a problem in a lot of relationships: lack of communication. So I guess that's the good part of that.

But honestly, it shouldn't have been so hard to make a decision. I really need to work on that. Or maybe my relationship with God needs to be stronger so I can clearly determine what He wants for my life. I don't know. All I know, is that I made a decision, and I don't regret it one bit. I'm still a little in shock that this is real life, and that he actually likes me. But that's a story for another blog. Moral of the story: MAKE DECISIONS! (but don't get ahead of yourself. think about them for a bit)

I hope all of you are getting back into the swing of school and all that jazz. If you go to USC, let's hang out. If you don't (*cough cough* Hamps), you should text me. because I miss you. And that's that, ladies and gentlemen. I need a nap. and by nap I mean sleep. So goodnight world! I hope you learned something today. If not... well that's unfortunate. 

ALL the things

I really love my friends. A lot of times, we start to hang out, intending to only be with each other for a little while. Four hours later, we're finally all going our separate ways. I love it SO MUCH! I can talk to this people about anything. I can completely be myself when I'm with these people. I don't have to pretend to be anything other than myself, because when I'm myself, that's the me they love. How awesome and great is that?

Also, Jesus. I feel like that's all I need to say, but it isn't! He is awesome. absolutely positively perfect. He provides everything I need. He comforts me when I need encouragement, He is with me when I feel alone. When I don't think I can do it, He lifts me up and does it through me. He's amazing.

Speaking of Jesus, I've learned to rely on Him even more now! This is something I still struggle with, but I used to struggle even more with relying on Him to provide what I need. Sure, the spiritual needs and emotional needs are easier to give up to Him. I found it the hardest to give up my physical possessions and needs to Him and trust that He will provide what I need in His time. I came to this realization last week sometime when I discovered that my financial aid wasn't going to be in on time according to the school and they had to hold my classes so they wouldn't be dropped. At that point I kept second guessing God's plan. I know for a fact that I'm supposed to be at USC. There are too many things God's given me the opportunity to be a part of for me not to be here. Because I know it's God's will for me to be here, wouldn't it make sense that God would provide my needs for me to STAY here. That seems like such a simple thought, and maybe it is, but I didn't think about it like that until recently. I always thought/worried that God's plan would make me unhappy, and He would take me away from the place I love and whisk me off to tech school or something. Obviously, I am so wrong! That's how a lot of us think, though. We think for some reason that if we give something up to God, He'll throw it to the ground and be like NO!!!! yeah. false. Sure, sometimes when we give things completely over to God, He won't do what we want. Like, if I really wasn't supposed to be at USC, He would make sure I was where I needed to be. But because I know for a fact that I'm supposed to be here, God's going to provide the means for me to stay here. That's really encouraging. I need to have that mindset for everything, I think. Especially when I go to the mission field. I know that's what God has planned for me, so He'll provide my physical needs while I'm there.

To quote a pretty super legit book called the Bible, "Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat', or 'What shall we drink' or 'What shall we wear', for the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your Heavenly Father knows that you need them after all" -Matthew 6:31-32

Ignorance

So ignorance is a word that is commonly used in our society. A lot of people use it, and I don't think it truly expresses what they mean. Dictionary.com (yes, I use dictionary.com, it's legit) defines "ignorance" as "lack of knowledge, learning, information, etc." Most of the time I hear this when someone makes a stupid comment about some something and they are immediately called ignorant. This word has a lot of negative connotation behind it and usually a lot of anger. This summer I have realized what ignorance actually is, and why my patience level with these people has become greater.

So this summer I've been living in Chicago, which is a crazy diverse area. There are all kinds of cultures and ethnicities. The neighborhood I live in is populated by both Polish people, and Spanish-speaking people. There are times when I would call these people "hispanic" or "latin american", but the truth is, this offends them just as much as calling them Mexican does. When I said this, I had no idea what effect it might have on people. Luckily my supervisor corrected me, and I have tried to be cautious when I say things of that nature. I said hispanic out of ignorance, because I did not know that it was not appropriate. It is not that I am uneducated, racist, hateful, or anything else that gets roped in with the word ignorant.

Through the summer, though, I've had to tell others what I have learned. One person I worked with would call any Spanish-speaking/looking person "Mexican". They were not trying make a racist comment or to stereotype. They simply did not understand that it's not appropriate.

Another great example, is when one of the guys from a mission team came up to help us. We spoke to some girls from Ireland while doing prayer stations. Originally he asked if they were "British", which can be offensive if said to the wrong person. Later on in the conversation he called them Scottish, which is just as offensive. It is not that he was trying to be rude or offensive. He simply did not know.

Ignorance gets the best of all of us. I've grown tired of people using it as an insult. We are all ignorant about a lot of things. Don't think you are better than someone else just because no one has personally called you out on your ignorance.

Well that's my thoughts for the day. I'm going to get off my soap box now, because I don't think soap boxes exist anymore. I'm not sure I feel comfortable standing mid-air. Goodnight, all!

The crazy CTA

Though this is a Chicago story, this is not really related to ministry, so it belongs in this random blog of things. This week we have a mission team in from Indiana and they're doing awesome things and such, and on Wednesday I was supposed to meet them at the church at 9. I planned on getting to the bus stop at 8:30 just in case something happened and whatnot. Well, it turns out that the bus I got on wasn't going all the way to the end of the line like they usually do. it stopped for its last stop about 3 or 4 stops after mine. I was obviously shocked because she didn't tell me as I got on that the bus was stopping early or anything. If I had known I definitely would have waited for the next bus to come.

I currently don't have use of my phone because my charger decided it wasn't going to work anymore. So I have no idea what time it is or any idea of how long it'll take the next bus to get there once I get off, so I decide to just walk. Now, I've walked this way before, it's practically a straight shot, and I feel totally safe walking where I did at that time in the morning. As I walk, throughout the entire walk, two buses passed me. So really if I had been just a tiny little bit more patient, I would have been at the church earlier and without that much walking. I did get some exercise though. So I mean... that was good :)


The lesson of the day is this: 1. Don't let your phone die without a working charger 2. Make sure the bus you're getting on will take you to your stop 3. ALWAYS wear good walking shoes. luckily I did :) 

titles are so unnecessary

So recently I've been reading Paul's various letters in the new testament. I've noticed a pattern that I'd like to share briefly. Paul starts out his letters thanking God for that church and telling them they need to continue to stand firm and keep their minds pure and focus on loving people. Something interesting and completely applicable to my life right now is when Paul talks about how much he loves and misses those churches. He writes on multiple occasions how much he wishes he could be with them at that exact moment and is reminded of how much love he received when he was there. I've been feeling this same feeling ever since I got home. I miss all of my BCM friends who are spread across the US. I think about how much fun this year was and how much I loved it and how they loved me, too, and how we grew in Christ together. Just like Paul, I'm so encouraged when I hear about how God used them in Ohio and what they're about to embark on this summer. I know that when I go to Chicago it'll be that way as well, but this time it'll include my family. I know that I'll miss them. Through all of this, though, I know that I'll see all of them again. Whether I see them when I get back, or if I don't see them again until I'm in Heaven, I know I'll see them again. I am so encouraged by that, and it helps me, not necessarily miss them any less, but it helps me focus on what God wants me to do NOW. I can't focus on God's will if all of my attention is on the people I love and miss.

Don't get me wrong, I still miss everyone a ridiculous amount, I just know that I'll see you again, and that helps me a lot :) 

Just another blog post

Something I've loved doing lately is looking back and thinking about what's happened in order for me to be where I am. It's kind of amazing, really. I know it's one of those cliche things to say how "God has a reason for everything", but I've honestly found that to be true.

Here's one example of how crazy legit God is: I decided that my senior year of high school I was going to apply to be a Teaching Fellow which is a scholarship program that gives you a bunch of money, but also tells you where to go to school. So I went through the interview process and was crazy excited, but they kept putting off sending the acceptance letters. Since it decides what school you go to I was depending on that to tell me whether I should go to Winthrop or USC, since I got into both schools. Unfortunately, since the letters came out so late, I had to go ahead and send in the deposits to both schools, but doing all of the logistics for USC since that's where I really wanted to end up. However, I finally received the letter telling me that I did not receive the scholarship and that I would be put on a waiting list. Knowing this, I decided on USC which was one of the best decisions I ever made. About a month into fall semester I got a letter telling me that I could apply and transfer to College of Charleston if I wanted to be in the Teaching Fellows Program there, but I decided to stay on the waiting list for USC. I still haven't heard from them, but I consider it a blessing. If you receive the scholarship, you have to teach in South Carolina for the same number of years you are in the program. This would mean that instead of teaching as a ministry tool, like God's calling me to do wherever that may be, I would be stuck in South Carolina with no guarantee of a job for 3+ years. God used what I considered a miserable experience to lead me and open the door for His ministry! Crazy, eh?

I know that was really long, but I have another example of how crazy God works, and you don't have to read it if you don't want to. So here we go. I briefly mentioned in another blog post about how God led me to Chicago this summer. There's actually a little more to it. Way earlier in the year I thought about applying for a position for the Orientation Staff, mainly because they made my orientation experience amazing. So I looked at the application and realized that they required my SAT/ACT score for acceptance since I didn't have a college GPA yet. Unfortunately for me, both of my scores were not high enough, so I didn't even turn in the application. To be honest, this was a huge letdown for me. So I forgot about summer plans for awhile until I went to Converge in February. That's when I found out about Myrtle Beach and decided to pursue it. I went after it with all I had and really thought that's what God had in store for me this summer. Everything went well until I got an email telling me that, although I was super qualified, God was leading them in a different direction this summer and I wasn't going to be on staff with them. It may sound stupid, but I cried for hours about this. I had plans of my own that included a summer at the beach, but God had totally different plans for me. I thought it was the weirdest thing that I didn't get the job even though he said I was super qualified, but he sent all of my stuff to NAMB and well, the rest is history. God stepped in and said, "Caroline, I know your intentions are good. You want to serve me and that's great. However, this summer I'm going to change up your plans and take you somewhere way out of your comfort zone. Don't worry though. I've prepared you for this summer for a long time. I've given you all you need. All you have to do is use it."

Have I mentioned how excited I am for this summer? I AM SO EXCITED!!

So while I'm sitting here eating my Fritos I remembered that I made a resolution to blog at least once a week. ha. haha. yeah I failed that one just a little bit. But honestly, I should write a blog just to write one, because then the quality goes wayyyyyy down.

Well to update I still haven't started packing for Chicago or school. I keep finding things that are more important. These things include watching Youtube, watching The Office, hanging out with friends, watching Psych, reading Pride and Prejudice, and talking to friends. I haven't had the most productive month so far.

My to-do list is suuuuuper long, mainly because things get added, but never done. I still need to fill out my forms for NAMB before I go on the trip. I also need to pack, obviously. I need to start on the door decs and bulletin boards and stuffs. I also need to work a little more on the freshman Bible study book for next semester (btw it's going to be amazing).

so that'll all get done eventually I guess.