I seriously never blog anymore. For awhile, I would have sporatic thoughts that didn't require an entire blog post, so I would post those on Tumblr. I have since logged out of Tumblr with little intention of returning. It's not a terrible place, but I wasn't growing in my relationship with Christ in any way being there. So here we are. Back together at last.

I'm doing an internship this summer at my church with the youth group, so basically I help everything happen. I get to go to both beach camps and the mission trip in July. In between, I get to do whatever comes up. I'm not gonna lie, I'm extremely nervous about this. I only attended this church for two years before heading off to college, so I really don't know that many people. I don't know my boss (the youth pastor) very well, because like I said, I wasn't there for very long. I think I'm afraid that the students won't like me. I'm not familiar to them, so I'm worried that they won't respect my "authority" and won't want to hang out with me or talk to me. That seems to silly putting in that context. I, a rising junior in college, am afraid of sixth graders not liking me. Seriously, though, it's been a real worry for me.

But there is good news! My identity is not determined by who likes me! I am not who I am because middle school and high school students approve of me. My identity is found in my salvation through Christ's death on the cross! I am a daughter of God and He loves me. Nothing else matters. It doesn't matter if it turns out that the students don't want to hang out with me, God does, and He is the only One who truly matters. This may sound cheesy, or obvious, or whatever, but as a girl with many insecurities, this is so encouraging. I wish I had known this growing up as much as I do now. I don't need to be accepted by man, and the Bible even tells me that I won't! The world hated Him, and it will hate me. But I am so encouraged by who I am surrounded by thsi summer. I have only heard my youth pastor speak His heart on a few occasions, and tonight I heard his heart for those middle schoolers preparing to go to beach camp. He loves Jesus and is jealous for them to know Him as he does. I cannot wait to work with him and continue to see his heart for the Lord and His ministry!

Seriously, y'all, this summer is going to blow all of my expectations into the trash. God's got better plans.

Also...

"If ever I forget my true identity,
  show me who I am, and help me to believe.
You have bought me back with the riches of
Your amazing grace and relentless love.
I'm made alive forever, with you life forever,
By your grace I'm saved!"
   -Citizens "Made Alive"

Why is Today Awesome?

 If you've ever watched Five Awesome Girls on Youtube, then that question is a familiar one. "Why is today awesome?" probably doesn't cross our minds too often, especially days surrounded in stress. We tend to think about what's wrong with our day and what we can complain about. Or.... maybe that's just me. But recently I've tried to have that attitude. I have a mirror on my door, and in Expo marker it asks me that question as I leave my room every day. Some days, I have a lot to write on there. For example, one day I got a ton of good grades back, so I wrote that on there. Some days it's just one thing as simple as "I woke up to my alarm and didn't sleep in". That's still something that was awesome about the day. I've found that thinking about these awesome parts of my day makes me have a more gracious and thankful attitude. It's pretty neat. You should try it out.

 On a different, but not entirely unrelated note, I also have a tally chart on my mirror. I'm tallying all the days when I don't have soda. Do you know how much weight you can lose when you don't drink soda? It's crazy. I'm really trying to be more healthy. I weighed myself over the Thanksgiving holiday, and I was WAY more than I want to be. It's so easy to lose control of your weight, and if I continue to live the way I do, I will be in much worse shape. Hopefully this isn't just a phase of wanting to be healthy, but it actually stays and I lose some weight. We'll see. Pray for me, okay? 

The cold... It's coming!!!

I've discovered recently how much I absolutely love the cold weather. At least in South Carolina anyway...

In the summer, I always feel so gross. No matter what I wear, I'm always sweaty and a hot mess. I never look cute in the summer because it'll just look a mess later. I usually just put on a tshirt and some norts and call it a day. Now, there is nothing wrong with this! I love my norts and tshirts. It's the best! But...

In the cold weather I can wear cardigans! I can wear awesome scarves and flannel, and fuzzy socks! I can wear fleece pajamas, and my peacoat! I can wear awesome boots and sperrys. I swear, the only cute clothes I have are cold weather clothes. It's exciting when I can finally wear them!!!

Another thing I love about it getting cold is the fact that I have more of an excuse to wear yoga pants and drink hot coffee and chocolate at all hours of the day.

Also, cold weather means it's getting close to December! December means cookies with reindeer on them and marvelous Christmas music.

Can you tell how excited I am that it's getting cold??

Don't get warmer, Columbia!!! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease!

Not Ashamed

I am not ashamed of the Gospel.

If this statement is true, why I don't I talk about it more? Why am I so afraid to tell people that I believe that Jesus Christ died in my place to cover all of my inperfections? Why am I afraid to tell people what God's done in my life, in efforts to "not offend them". They have no problem "offending" me. When they believe in something, they let it known. It's extremely ironic that today is National Coming Out Day. These people are not ashamed to proclaim that they are proud of their sin. They delight in telling others what they believe is right. Why do I not have this same spirit? I think it's because I want to be liked. I want everyone to like me, so I just don't say anything that might offend them. That is crazy. I should be putting my life on the line for the One who died for me! I didn't deserve that love, and I still don't! What I do need to do, though, is show people that I am thankful and want to live my life for Him. The Gospel is for everyone, not just me and my friends. It's not just for people who are "open". It's not just for people who are easy to talk to. It is for EVERYONE! The Gospel is for the people who think they're too intelligent for it. The Gospel is for those who think they can handle life on their own. The Gospel is for those who believe in other gods. The Gospel is for those who are so against it, they'll kill people who preach it.

Now that I've been reminded of that, I need to act on it. I can't just sit around and wait for people to be "ready" and "open". They need to hear what God has done for them. It's amazing!! I can't be selfish and keep it to myself. 

Thinking about Christ's love for us never ceases to amaze me. He knows all our crap. We can't hide any of it from Him. YET, He loves us ANYWAY! This is insane, you know?! He knows my sinful heart. One of my favorite lines from a song is "You know the depths of my heart, and You love me the same." He loves us THE SAME! He doesn't  love us less or more because of where our heart is. He knows our sinful desires, knows what we do when no one else is around, knows our motives, knows our wicked wicked sin. But he continues to love us, and to pursue us. Does anyone else find that absolutely amazing?! It's so wonderful. 

One of the best parts about this, is that marriage is supposed to reflect this amazing love God has for His Church (aka us). Everything is out in the open: all of the faults, mistakes, and sin. Even through all of it, though, your spouse still loves you and continues to pursue you and the relationship between you. Gosh, that's amazing. This image of marriage is supposed to point others to Christ! Unfortunately, that's not how most marriages are these days. We aren't pointing to God's love for us. That's why God's unconditional love for us surprises us a lot of times. We aren't used to someone loving us despite all of our crazy and messed up lives. I love to see marriages that display that, though. It gives me hope that my marriage will be one that reflects Christ's love for me. Obviously, that's not really happening soon. But when it happens, it's gonna be awesome. 

The other blog for the other story

**disclaimer: I'm not trying to be all omgihaveaboyfriend. I blog about what's on my mind and my heart, and this is where I am right now. so chill out. you don't have to read it if you don't want to. so there.**

In my last blog I said I would save a story for another blog, and I suppose this is that blog. A couple months ago I wrote a blog about going to Chicago, and I compared it to liking someone and wanting to be with them, and then finding out that they like you and want to be with you just as much. Then I said I'd never experienced this completely.

So....

In previous relationships of mine, it's been the whole "omg I think he likes me, I should totes like him and we can be like together forever." (sorority girl voice, Daniel).  Either that, or I really liked him and tried to get friends/myself to convince him that I was worth dating. Guess what happened in all of those relationships? They.ended. *GASP!* What? All of my relationships thus far have ended? Caroline's a fail when it comes to dating? YES. This is all true. I know, it's so surprising, because if you know me you know how smooth I am (btw, it's like... negative smoothness. It's like the bumpiest dirt road you've ever driven on WHILE you have flat tires. yeah. it's that bad.) Well, that was a tangent I didn't expect to go on. ANYWAY!

This relationship is totes different. I've like Daniel for a long time. Like... you don't even know how long. And it's one of those situations where he was just too perfect, you know? Like, in the past, I was all "I can settle for this. He's pretty nice. I can learn to like him. I mean, he likes me. How bad could it be?" BUT there were always those guys (and I'm sure guys can relate to this too about girls) where I was just like, "he is way too good for me. I mean, look at him. He's cute, he's funny, he has tons of friends, he's really nice, and not embarrassing at all. Why would he like me? He deserves someone better. More on his level. I'm too much of a dork. We could only be friends."

You can ask my mom this, or any of my middle school friends, and they'll tell you the same thing. I think soccer players with hair in the JBiebs phase are the coolest. It might have to do with the fact that in middle school, those were the popular boys. They all played soccer and had their hair like that. And they were obviously out of my league. So here's Daniel. He played soccer in high school, he's got the hair thing going on, he's super funny and awesome, and everyone wants to be his friend. So if you've read any of this blog, you can probably understand why I wouldn't think he'd like me. Because honestly, what would a boy like that want with a girl like me. I'm not super skinny, I'm not blonde and popular, and I'm a super dork. So, I'm still in amazement. I don't know when or if this will wear off. I don't feel like I deserve him. If you talk to my bffl Caroline, she'll tell you how all summer I was like "Why would he like me, Caroline? He's too good for me. It won't happen." But you know what... it did. So I'm really happy about it. 

Decisions

So I'm a generally indecisive person. I don't know what caused this or when it became so apparent to me, but I've really been working on it recently. I didn't realize until yesterday how much that affects my life. The good part, though, is that it's both positive and negative! So we shall discuss... NOW!

I don't make decisions. That's just the fact of the matter. When someone asks me what I want to eat or where I want to go, I rarely make that decision.  It stresses me out to the max. I'm really not sure why, because it's not that big of a decision. In those cases, it doesn't matter too much that I can't say this or that, because it's not life changing or anything. It does become a problem, though, when it keeps you from making extremely important decisions. If you weren't already aware, I have a boyfriend now. His name is Daniel. He is amazing. You should meet him someday. And when we came to the point where we had to determine if our relationship was going to go down the friendship path or the dating path, obviously my initial reaction was for it to go down the dating path. That's what I've been wanting for months now. So knowing that, it should have only taken two seconds, right? Wrong. There were so many things we had to discuss. I know that makes it seem more of a logic thing than a "I really like you" thing, but they were very important things, I promise. I don't take dating lightly, which you should know if you've read my blogs. Dating someone, especially in college, is a HUGE decision to make. So all of these things clouded my mind and made me feel like because we had to talk about it for so long, maybe we should just wait. There was a completely other side of my brain though, that was all "Caroline. You've been praying about this forever. Yall just talked for an hour about this. Just. Say. Yes." Obviously I did say yes, but for a few hours it still didn't feel real. I still had those thoughts that I made the wrong decision and it would have been better the other way. (BTW those thoughts went away. They're just part of my terrible decision making skills. Which is why I don't make decisions. It's not fun)

So onto the good part about this. Because I had so many... not concerns, but more like things that needed to be addressed, I feel like we're going into this relationship more prepared/ready than I've ever gone into a relationship feeling. To my knowledge, there's nothing we didn't cover. If I had just said yes right off the bat, we wouldn't have talked about all of that. We wouldn't know how the other felt about something, or how the other one expects the relationship to go. I think that's a problem in a lot of relationships: lack of communication. So I guess that's the good part of that.

But honestly, it shouldn't have been so hard to make a decision. I really need to work on that. Or maybe my relationship with God needs to be stronger so I can clearly determine what He wants for my life. I don't know. All I know, is that I made a decision, and I don't regret it one bit. I'm still a little in shock that this is real life, and that he actually likes me. But that's a story for another blog. Moral of the story: MAKE DECISIONS! (but don't get ahead of yourself. think about them for a bit)

I hope all of you are getting back into the swing of school and all that jazz. If you go to USC, let's hang out. If you don't (*cough cough* Hamps), you should text me. because I miss you. And that's that, ladies and gentlemen. I need a nap. and by nap I mean sleep. So goodnight world! I hope you learned something today. If not... well that's unfortunate.