sigh

It's times like these when I wish it could have been different. I can't get to sleep tonight. And usually on nights like these I would text Jordan and he would say, "Well what's on your mind, babe?". Even if there was absolutely nothing we would talk until I fell asleep. We agreed we would be friends, but he hates me. He has to for what I did. I still am not ready to get back together with him, and I don't know if I ever will, but he always knew how to just listen. But we're not to the point yet when i can just text him as a friend and everything be OK. I miss what we were. Before all the arguments and before he went to college and before we both changed. Things were just different. I know I'll find that again somewhere with someone, but right now it's just hard. Like last night, I heard the (only) song we danced to at prom last year. and what did I do? I cried. Like a little baby I cried. It was horrible. I'm not saying (please don't misinterpret) that I'm wanting to get back together with him. If we do get back together it will not be anytime soon. Considering that I really need to focus on other things and he needs to show me that he can change even when the shock of all this is over. But I guess this is all just part of the process. Tomorrow I'll probably want to cry because I'll think of how he used to send me cute little texts in the middle of the school day. He hasn't done that in quite some time, but just like that dance at prom, it will all come flooding back to me. I hope he knows that I don't regret the past 3 years. I wouldn't take it back for anything in the world, but I think that it's time we both figure things out for ourselves. 

sigh: the summary of my emotions right now.